Voldemort vs Unseen University
by kirraleadatsme
Summary: Ever wondered what it would be like if Voldemort tried taking over the Unseen University? Well prepare to find out. And how are Harry and his friends liking their new surroundings? Please note that this is NOT a HP fic. Only read if you read the Discworld
1. The Unexpected Visitor

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

A/N: I would just like to add that I hope Terry Pratchett and J.K. Rowling aren't planning to sue.

**Chapter One: The Unexpected Visitor **

The city of Ankh-Morpork, according to the Guild of Merchants guidebook, was the Cite of One Thousand Surprises. And it was quite surprising when no one seemed surprised when a cloaked a stranger had suddenly appeared out of thin air. But when you think about it, it wasn't surprising at all, seeing as the only witnesses were a beggar and a small mongrel terrier that was being lead by a piece of string.

The stranger, taking no notice of either of them, continued walking up Short Street. The beggar and the dog looked at each other.

"Buggerit." Foul Ole Ron growled.

The dog continued to watch the stranger, who was almost out of sight.

Gaspode sighed. "Only in Ankh-Morpork."

Archancellor Mustrum Ridcully stood at the top of the staircase. "Bursar!" A few minutes later, the Bursar stood at the bottom of the staircase panting.

"You… you called, Archancellor sir?" He gasped.

"Bursar, have you any idea what day it is today?"

The Bursar fought to keep his breath. "I think it is Friday, sir,"

Ridcully looked astonished. "Good gods! Friday already? Feels a little to early to be Friday in my opinion."

"Perhaps you should use a calendar, sir," The Bursar suggested.

Ridcully frowned at him. "I am perfectly capable of remembering the days of the week, Bursar." He snapped and before walking off he faced the puffing Bursar again. "What day is it again?"

"_Friday_ sir,"

Ridcully stroked his beard. "Hmm. Are you sure? I could have sworn it was Monday."

"No sir," The Bursar was still gasping for breath.

"Right, well that's all I needed to know. Thank you, Bursar, you may leave."

The Bursar gaped at him, still puffing heavily. "That's _all_? I ran up three fleets of stairs!"

"Exercise does you good, that's what I say," Ridcully said cheerfully, he was someone who had ever done any sort of exercise in his life.

The Bursar's eyes rolled upwards and he toppled over. After poking at the unconscious Bursar with his staff for a few minutes, Ridcully ordered some students to go and fetch the Bursar his Dried Frog Pills.

No sooner had someone knocked on the door. Mrs. Whitlow, the cleaner, opened it with uncertainty. A figure in a black cloak walked in. His cloak hid his face.

"Who in bloody hell are you?" Ridcully demanded.

The hooded figure turned to face Ridcully. "Is this the Unseen University?"

"No, it's the bloody Ankh-Morpork Opera House! What do you think?" Ridcully marched toward the stranger. "And who are you to come in here and demand everything? That's _my _job." He added with a hint of pride.

"My name," The stranger said slowly. "Is Lord Voldemort."

This did not have the affect Voldemort was used to. No sign of terror appeared on his face. "Well? What do you want?"

Voldemort smiled. "I wish to take over the University."

The wizards stared blankly at him. "But, you need to be a wizard to attend." The Senior Wrangler said slowly.

Voldemort's smile widened. "I don't intend to attend, my intension is to rule it. And for further information, I am indeed a wizard."

The Dean frowned. "No your not. Where's your hat? And your staff?"

Voldemort looked slightly confused but recovered brilliantly. "When it comes to being a wizard, a hat is not necessary. And I do not own a staff, but I do own this." Voldemort reached into a pocket in his robes and pulled out a wand. Voldemort aimed it at the party of wizards. "Now, stand down."

Ridcully was now very confused. "Surely you mean sit down?"

Now it was Voldemort's turn to be confused. "Excuse me?"

"How can I stand down? I can stand up of I can sit down but I can't do both."

Voldemort thought this through. "What I mean is, stand down from your position in the University."

Ridcully's brain was spinning. It just didn't make sense. "What position? My position right now is right where I'm standing."

The youngest member, Ponder Stibbons, tapped Ridcully's shoulder. "I think he means he wants to be the new Archancellor, sir."

Ridcully just gaped at him. "Why?"

Voldemort laughed. "You question the most evil wizard of all time?"

"No! I question the bloody idiot that wants _my _university!" Ridcully shouted, veins popping out of his head.

Voldemort looked rather taken aback. "Er… I did mention that I am the most evil wizard in history, didn't I?"

"Well," Ponder started. "I suppose it depends on _which_ history you are talking about."

"Can someone please remove him?" Ridcully said in a rather irritated voice. Students had started watching the feud. You rarely got much entertainment in the Unseen University, despite all the odd creatures that leaked out of the walls and the doors that lead to nowhere.

"Excuse me sir," Said a student formerly known as Big Mad Drongo, but now that the Music With Rocks In fad was over he took back his old name of Adrian Turnipseed. Ridcully, however, still had a habit of calling him, Big Mad Adrian.

Voldemort turned to face the young wizard who had addressed him. "Yes?" He hissed with what he hoped fearful voice.

Adrian didn't seem to be affected. "You mentioned that you were the most evil wizard in history?"

Voldemort opened his mouth to reply when the Dean snorting with laughter interrupted him. Ridcully scowled. "You don't seriously believe him do you, Big Mad Adrian?"

"If he does, he obviously hasn't heard of ol' Galder Weatherwax," Said the Lecturer of Recent Runes. The other wizards nodded.

"Now _there_ was a true evil wizard," The Senior Wrangler chirped in. "Mind you, he was bearable as long as you didn't tick him off in the mornings." The senior wizards shuddered.

Voldemort had had enough of this. He pulled out his wand and aimed it at Ridcully. "No more foolishness. Hand over the University!"

The wizards stared at the wand. Ridcully nudged Ponder sharply in the ribs. "Stibbons what _is _that?"

Ponder glared at the wand. "It appears to be a long, wooden object, sir."

"A stick?" Ridcully frowned and turned to Voldemort. "I should put down that stick if I were you. Very dangerous things, sticks. They can poke an eye out."

Voldemort was getting very impatient. "It is not a stick, it is a wand. A very magical object created by some of the most powerful specimens you could find."

Ridcully's brow furrowed. "All that work just for a stick? Well I don't see what all the fuss is about, sticks are so common they practically grow on trees."

Voldemort had had enough. "No more games." He took a deep breath. "_Avada Keda_… Ribbit?" Voldemort looked up at the wizards who had suddenly grown _very big_.

"No more playing silly buggers. Stibbons?"

"Yes Archancellor, sir?"

"Throw him into the Ankh,"

Ponder hesitated. "Surly you mean, _on _the Ankh, sir?" He picked up Voldemort who was croaking inside his clamped hands.

"Yes, yes. Whatever." Ridcully replied, thinking of the River Ankh, which was so contaminated if you were attempting to drown something in it, you would need a shovel to dig a hole through the congealed water.

"Ook!" A familiar voice cried. Ridcully turned to see the Librarian knuckling his way down the hall.

"What do you mean there's a message for me?" Ridcully said in a puzzled voice.

A/N: Like it? Review. It'll get me typing.


	2. Welcome To AnkhMorpork!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, blah, blah, blah...

A/N: I'd like to see some reviews please!

**Chapter Two: Welcome To Ankh-Morpork!**

Meanwhile, in another world, three teenagers stood to attention in their headmaster's office. They had been called from their lessons to perform a certain task outside of school. The three teens swelled with pride, as they were performing tasks for the Order of the Phoenix before they had even left Hogwarts. As you might have already guessed, their names are Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter.

Their headmaster, Professor Dumbledore looked down at them through his half-moon spectacles. "Now," He spoke softly. "Do you fully understand what I have just said to you?"

All three of them nodded. Well actually, one nodded, one just looked slightly confused, and one looked as if he were waiting for Dumbledore to shout "APRIL FOOL!"

"So," Harry paused to find his words. "What you're saying, Professor is that we have to travel into another world to find Voldemort?" Dumbledore nodded.

Hermione put on a very worried face. "But… but we've never even heard of this place! Things will be different. How will we understand what will be happening around us?" Hermione had started worrying at the thought of visiting a place that the school's library didn't consist any information of.

"Do not fret, Miss Granger. I have contacted the Unseen University, that is a school for wizardry, and they have, rather reluctantly, offered you a place to stay and will answer any questions you feel you must ask." Dumbledore lied. He remembered talking to the headmaster and wasn't entirely sure whether he had agreed or not.

Dumbledore smiled at them. "Here is the port key." He handed them an old boot. "Now, you are all seventeen, and I hope you will treat this assighnment with extreme caution."

"Yes, Professor!" They chorused.

"Er… sir?" Ron asked. "Where did you say we were going again?"

Dumbledore smiled. "Ankh-Morpork!"

* * *

It was a rather warm night, Sergeant Colon thought to himself. He leaned on a nearby wall. He was rather glad he didn't have to patrol through the shades on a night like this. Patrolling through Peach Pie Street was quite uneventful, but Colon didn't mind. He liked things to be uneventful.

Corporal Nobbs elbowed him. "Fancy a drink?" He asked, thrusting a thumb in the direction of the Bucket, the Watch's favorite pub.

"Now, now Nobby." Said Colon. "You know we can't drink when we are currently on duty. Remember the lecture Captain Carrot gave us last time?"

Nobby grimaced. "Yes, sarge."

They stood in silence for a while when suddenly there was a faint "_pop_" and three figures, all dressed in black, appeared out of thin air. Peering closer, Colon noticed that the figures where aged somewhat between sixteen and eighteen. Nobby noticed that a young lady was one of the three.

The two watchmen continued to watch for sometime until the figures had disappeared completely.

Nobby's eyes widened. "Cor! Did you see that, sarge?"

"Yes I did, Nobby."

"What do you think they are?"

"Well… they've got to be human, Nobby. Just like you an' me," Colon glanced at Nobby. "Well, maybe just me."

"But humans don't just appear, do they?" Nobby thought about this. "I mean… 'spose they _could_. Other wise where would babies come from?"

"Er…" Colon tried desperately to avoid explaining to Corporal Nobbs where babies come from. "Well, you see, they _look _like humans but they're really… er…"

"Fairies?" Nobby suggested. Colon looked rather surprised. Where had _that _come from?"

"Don't be daft, Nobby. Fairies! Hah!"

"Well what are they, Fred?"

"That's Sergeant to you Nobby, and they were something magical, you know… muses and whatnot."

"Muses?" Nobby asked.

"Yeah. Muses." Nobby gave him a curious look. "Don't tell me you don't know what a muse is, Nobby?"

Nobby shook his. "Right, well, before someone invents something that's going to be really famous, this naked young lady comes and gives that person inspiration. That's a muse."

"Cor! I wish I had a muse." Nobby stated grinning. "Hey sarge, imagine all the muses that Leonard of Quirm has seen."

Colon shook his head in pity. "Nobby, Nobby, Nobby. _Everyone _knows you can't see your own muse. Well known fact, that is." Colon said, tapping the side of his nose.

"Oh," Nobby looked slightly crestfallen. "Y'know, Fred. I don't think those were muses at all."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, there were three of them an' only one was a lady an' she had clothes on."

Colon nodded. "Nobby, I think this is one of those things best left alone."

* * *

The three figures walked quickly down the streets of Ankh-Morpork, whispering in the hushed voices of those who didn't want people to know they had never been here before.

It was hard to see where they were going in the dark and the dim lights of the lamp posts did very little to help.

"I think we're lost." A voice said.

"Congratulations, Ron, you've finally learned to think!" A female voice snapped irritably.

"Will you two stop bickering?" Said a third voice. "Perhaps we could ask for directions."

"From who? There's no one out here!" The voice owned by Ron exclaimed.

"Look, over there." The owner of the female voice pointed towards a watchman.

The three of them walked up to the watchman and tapped him on the shoulder… and his arm fell off. The female out of the three screamed, causing the watch to turn and see his arm on the floor.

"Sorry about that." He said holding his arm in his hand. He sighed heavily. "Well, I'll have to get Igor to stitch this back on again." He looked at the three strangers. "Can I help you?"

They stood in shock. A young male with black hair and glasses thrust a pointed finger at the detached arm. "Your… your…"

"Arm?" The watchman finished the sentence for him. "Yes, damn thing just doesn't seem to want to stay on any more." He inspected the old stitching on his arm. "Hmm, do you think that fishing wire would work better than string?" The watchman noticed the fearful looks on their faces for the first time. "What's the matter? Haven't you seen a zombie before?"

The black haired young man stuttered again. "Z…z… _zombie_?"

"Ah." The watchman nodded. "Knew in town, eh?" He held out his detached arm.

"Constable Reg Shoe is the name. I'm a zombie by the way."

The black haired young man shook the hand nervously. "I'm Harry. Harry Potter."

The young lady and tall, red head shook it too. Their names were Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

"So… you're a zombie, eh?" Ron asked awkwardly.

"Ron!" Hermione snapped. "Don't be rude!" She turned to Reg and smiled. "Sorry about him, we've never met anyone who is undead before."

"Hah! Well obviously you've never been to Ankh-Morpork before." Reg nodded knowingly. "We've got all sorts of undead here. Zombies, vampires, bogeymen, werewolves. You name it."

"Well you certainly aren't spiciest here in Ankh-Morpork." Said Hermione.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Said Reg, remembering all the fights he and the rest of the watch had to break up between dwarfs and trolls.

"Now the Watch, that's a place anyone can get a job. It's not just for humans. We've got dwarfs, trolls, gargoyles, gnomes, a golem, even a Nobbs."

"What's a Nobbs?" Harry asked curiously.

"Hopefully you'll never know. Actually, there's this huge rumor going 'round that we've recruited a werewolf. Dunno if it's true or not, doesn't matter really. In the end we're all just watchmen."

"Wow," Said Ron. "Things are really different here compared to back home, aren't they?"

Harry and Hermione nodded. Reg stared at them. Eventually he said, "Do you three have any place to stay?"

"Oh! I completely forgot!" Hermione shrieked. "Could you direct us to the Unseen University?"

A/N: What do I have to give you people to review? Blood?


	3. Hermione Meets Rincewind

Disclaimer: Same as chapters 1&2, I'm not going into detail 

A/N: To tell the truth, I dunno where this story is going.

Chapter Three: Hermione Meets Rincewind 

Hermione felt as if she were in heaven. She stood in the center of the University's gigantic library. She had a rather bad sleep that night, seeing as she had to sleep in one of the housekeeper's bedrooms because she was a lady.

The headmaster, Archancellor Ridcully, was rather rude, in Hermione's best opinion. Sure he had given them the hospitality, and she was very grateful of it. But when she was told that anything she needed answering, she would have to ask the headmaster. However, when Hermione was told this, she expected the headmaster to be more like… well… _Dumbledore_. What she hadn't expected was a grouchy old man who just yelled.

Nobody was up, so Hermione thought she would just go and check out the University's library. It was nothing like the one back at Hogwarts. This library looked as if it owned every book on every subject.

Hermione did some research about Ankh-Morpork, and the rest of the Discworld. She found it terribly fascinating. Hermione also discovered that there was no restricted section, and the University's library was also a public library, sort of. It made her wonder why Ridcully wasn't cautious when it came to letting muggles read the books. After a little more research, Hermione discovered that there wasn't actually any muggles on the Disk. Everyone knew about wizards and what happened inside the University wasn't any of their business.

At first, Hermione thought it was rather nice not having to keep the wizarding world a secret, but after some serious thought, she discovered that on the Discworld, if you got turned into a frog. Well… you got turned into a frog. No Ministry would come and revive you to your normal form and make that wizard pay justice. Here, however, you remained a frog until the wizard felt like turning you back again. That's if he remembered, of course.

Hermione flicked through some books when she heard someone say, "Ook." She looked up from her book and saw an orangutan knuckling through the shelves. She searched the library until she found a wizard. She knew he was a wizard because of the hat he wore, which said: WIZZARD.

Hermione tapped him on the shoulder, causing the wizzard to jump.

"Are you the librarian?" She asked.

The wizzard peered at her suspiciously. "I'm the librarian's assistant." He said hopefully.

"You'll have to do." Hermione said in a bossy tone.

The assistant librarian panicked. "I have to do what?" Nervousness wrung through each word.

"Did you know that there is a monkey wandering around here?" She asked questioningly.

The wizzard looked slightly surprised. "There is? Which way did it go?"

Hermione pointed towards a row of books. "That way."

The wizzard and Hermione walked along the row of shelves until they saw the orangutan reading the spines of various books. The wizzard seemed to ignore the monkey completely and was searching the rows of books.

"Hang on," He said to Hermione when he finally noticed the orangutan. "I'll go ask."

The wizzard walked up to the ape, and to Hermione's great surprise asked: "Have you seen a monkey around here? This young lady seems to claim she's seen one."

The monkey shook his head. "Ook." It replied.

The wizzard walked back to Hermione. "He says he hasn't seen one."

Hermione just gaped at him. "He's standing right there!"

The wizzard looked over his shoulder. "Oh, him." He looked at Hermione again. "That's the librarian."

Hermione continued to stare. "_That's the_ _librarian_? But it's a m-" The wizzard clamped his hand over Hermione's mouth.

"Whatever you do, _don't _call him the M word. He doesn't mind ape, and try not to do bad ape impersonations… he doesn't like that either."

Hermione stared at the Librarian. "But… but…" She stuttered once his hand had been removed.

"If it makes you feel any better, he's actually a wizard."

"The how did he get like this?"

The wizzard waved vaguely. "Working in this library. These books are very powerful. They accidentally turned him into an orangutan. We didn't fire him because he's the only one here who knows how the library system works."

Hermione nodded, she thought of what the Hogwarts librarian, Madam Pince, would say if she found someone in the like the Librarian in her library.

"Oh, I haven't introduced myself," She said. "I'm Hermione. Hermione Granger."

The library assistant was slightly taken aback by this sudden introduction.

"Rincewind." He grunted.

Hermione smiled, Rincewind winced. Nothing good happened when someone smiled at him.

"OY! HERMIONE!" Someone called. They turned to see Ron and Harry standing in the doorway.

"Oh, I have to go!" She flashed him another smile. "Nice to meet you, Rincewind." She ran off towards the other two.

Rincewind just stood there in shock. Someone had smiled at him without, in fact, trying to kill him, push him over the Edge, or transport him all the way across the Disc.

"Great. Another Twoflower." He said weakly before fainting.

A/N: I know you've all been reading this so for the sake of my sanity, please review. Actually, if you don't review I won't really care coz if I were reading this story I wouldn't bother to review. But review anyway coz I don't care if you haven't got anything nice to say, just give me something to work with people!


	4. Where's Your Thieves License?

Disclaimer: Own nothing. I'm so bored of writting that.

A/N: Sorry if it's short but I'm trying to write three stories all at once.

**Chapter Four: Where's Your Thieves License?**

"So this is where you dumped him?" Hermione asked Ponder Stibbons.

"Yes."

Ron, Harry and Hermione looked down at the murky water. Hermione was thinking: _This can't be the city's drinking water. It looks like concrete! Where do they get their drinking water? If they don't use this river to drink (And I certainly hope they don't) what's the point of having it? This city, it's so… fascinating! I wish I knew how it all worked…_

Harry wasn't thinking about the water. He was thinking about how stupid Ponder was. _Doesn't he realize that he just let the worlds most evil wizard walk away unharmed? _Harry thought angrily. _Well he actually hopped because he had been turned into a frog, but who knows what Voldemort is capable of?_

Ron stared down at the contaminated river. "You don't think there's a chance he drowned, do you?" He asked Ponder hopefully.

Ponder shook his head. "It's impossible to drown in the Ankh. The river is too thick. No, I think he just hopped away. Don't worry,"

"Would we be aloud to explore the city," Harry asked. "You know, try and find clues."

Ponder looked perplexed. "You don't need permission. Students are always coming and going out of the University. Bare in mind they usually come from and go to the Bunch of Grapes," He looked at their faces. "That's a pub us wizards usually drink at."

Ron and Harry nodded. Hermione just looked appalled. "What about the _lessons_?"

Ponder frowned. "What about them?"

"Why don't students _attend_ them?"

"Well, they do, sort of. It's the teachers, really. If they're not in the mood to teach (Which is basically all the time) they'll usually say: "Don't you have some pub to bugger off to?"

Harry and Ron gaped at him in awe. "I wish Hogwarts was like that!" The said in union.

Hermione looked up at the University disapprovingly. "Come on let's go."

* * *

They had walked down the street for a few minutes. "I'm hungry!" Ron exclaimed.

"Perhaps we should find lunch somewhere?" Hermione suggested.

"Good idea." Harry agreed. "Any idea where we are?"

The looked around the deserted streets. Hermione pulled out a map. "Hmm… we seem to be in an area named "The Shades"."

"The Shades? Sounds a little odd to name a suburb The Shades." Ron said doubtfully.

Harry's eyes scanned The Shades. "I don't think it's a very suburban area."

Hermione placed the map back into her schoolbag and swung it over her shoulder. "I think we should get out of here-" Hermione started. A dark figure ran past and snatched the schoolbag.

"Stop him!" Hermione shouted.

"_Stupefy_!" Cried Harry, who had now withdrawn his wand. The figure stopped in his tracks and fell to the ground.

The tree of them ran towards the figure that was trying to pick himself up. "Oh gods! What was that for?" He moaned.

"Where's your thieves license?" Hermione demanded

"Thieves license?" Harry and Ron exclaimed in union.

"Don't 'ave one." The thief grunted.

Hermione placed her hands on her hips. "Well you should be lucky if the Thieves Guild don't find you."

"Too late, miss." Said a voice in the shadow. Three men revealed themselves, holding up a card each.

"Hermione," Ron said slowly. "_What is going on?_"

The leader grinned at him. "New in town eh?" He held the card under Ron's nose. "Licensed thieves, approved by the Ankh-Morpork Thieves Guild." His eyes darted toward the unlicensed thief. "Well, if it isn't old Here'n'now. Still claim you stole fire from the gods?"

The other thieves laughed. Here'n'now looked at his feet.

"Wait, let me get this straight," Said Harry. "You're telling me that you're _licensed thieves_?"

The leader picked up Hermione's schoolbag. "Yes, so I'll be taking this." He signaled the other two thieves, who grabbed Here'n'now's arms. "There's no Watch to put you under protective custody now, Here'n'now."

Here'n'now struggled under the thieves' grip. The leader had pulled out a note pad and was busy writing on it.

"Here is your receipt." He said handing the receipt to Hermione and walking off with the schoolbag and Here'n'now.

"So we just let them walk away without stopping them?" Said Harry.

"We can't do anything, it's not against the law." Hermione replied quietly.

"Well that's just _great_!" Ron exclaimed in mock glee. "We have no money, no map. Things can't get any worse!"

Actually, they can." Hermione said even quieter than before. "I left the port key in my schoolbag. WE have no way of getting back."

* * *

Meanwhile, the three thieves stood outside the Thieves Guild, searching through the content's of Hermione's schoolbag.

"What's this?" Asked a thief, holding up an old boot.

"What's the currency for old boot?" Another thief asked the leader.

"You know Mr. Boggis won't accept that," Said the leader. "Throw it under the bridge. We've got enough money in here." He patted the schoolbag.

The thief shrugged and threw the boot under the bridge.

* * *

Voldemort was not a happy frog. He wasn't a happy human either, but at least when he was human he didn't have to dodge carts, birds, feet and hungry beggars.

_They'll pay for this,_ he thought angrily. _I'll make them wish they'd never met me. I will make them face a fate worse than death. I will… is that a fly?_

A large fly was buzzing around Voldemort's head. His eyes bulged. A/N: not that he had much choice; he _is _a frog, after all.

And then, he did something he thought he never would have done. Voldemort opened his mouth and his long tongue shot out.

_Splat!_

Voldemort rolled his tongue with the fly attached back into his mouth. Voldemort savored the flavor of the fly before swallowing.

_Not bad. Tastes a little salty, but not bad at all._ Voldemort had suddenly become aware of what he had just thought, his eyes bulged again. _Ahhhh! I've started thinking like a frog! I have to get out of this body soon before I start thinking like this permanently!_

Voldemort hopped away angrily, although by now what he was feeling was way beyond anger.

A/N: Like it? Love it? Hate? Just review it!


	5. Don't Tell Vetinari

Disclaimer: Don't own it, as usual.

A/N: I'd just like to say thanks to all the people who reviewed my story. Thanks Mountain, Fluffy, Adder, yeth, Evoraeis and MostPowerfulOfAllDarkLords. Thanks again!

"Hermione!" Ron cried. "How could you? No how are we going to get back home?"

"That's it! Just blame it all on me, Ron!" Hermione shouted. "How was I supposed to know we'd get attacked be thieves?"

"You're supposed to be the smart one! Now we're stuck here!"

"Just shut up! Both of you!" Harry yelled. Ron and Hermione stopped fighting and put on a terrified expression caused by Harry's sudden outburst.

"Now I don't care if the only thing you want to do around each other is tear each other's throats out. But _please _don't do it around me." Harry said. "Have you two forgotten the reason we came here in the first place? _Voldemort_! He's in this city somewhere. I don't know how we're going to get back to Hogwarts, but we'll worry about it once we have Voldemort."

"You're right, Harry." Said Hermione in a small voice. "You're absolutely right."

"Yeah. We're sorry mate." Ron apologized.

"So where should we look?" Harry asked.

"We could try the Watch." Hermione suggested. "Remember Reg Shoe, the zombie?"

Harry nodded. "I suppose we could try that."

Voldemort knew he should have been angry about something, but he couldn't quite remember what. He sat on the edge of a pond in someone's garden. It was a very rich garden, Voldemort noticed. The only thing that ruined the beauty of it was the hidden bear traps that lurked in the bushes. Not that Voldemort cared about them, much. In fact, he didn't really care about anything except for catching one of the fat flies.

Voldemort croaked happily as he swallowed a fly. By now, he didn't have a care in the world.

"Is this the right place?" Ron asked as they walked into the Watch house.

"It must be." Hermione replied. They walked up to a desk; sitting behind it was a dwarf. Hermione had read about dwarfs, and she knew it wasn't common for them to wear make-up.

"Can I help you?" The dwarf asked.

"Um… we'd like to report a missing… um… person." Said Hermione.

"They have to be missing for forty-eight hours before we can search. Two hours if they were last seen in the Shades."

"Why two hours in the Shades?" Ron asked.

"Because the stupid only last a minute in the Shades."

"What about the smart?" Asked Hermione.

"The smart don't go anywhere near the Shades. That's why they're smart." Said the dwarf, shrugging.

"Um… do you think we could talk with the person in charge here?" Harry whispered, leaning forward. "It's a rather complicated matter."

The dwarf's brow wrinkled. "I suppose I could let you see Commander Vimes if it's that important. I'm not sure he'll want to hear you out, though."

"That's fine." Said Harry. "When can we see him?"

"Right now." She beckoned them to follow her. They were led to a door that she knocked on.

"It's open." A voice called from inside. Once the door was opened Harry found himself staring at a desk filled with paperwork.

"It's Corporal Littlebottom, sir." Said the dwarf.

"Oh." Said a voice behind the stacks of paperwork. "You haven't finished those reports have you, Cheery?"

"Um… no sir not yet." Said Cheery in a panicked voice.

"Good." The owner of the voice stood up. Harry saw a very disgruntled man pull a silver cigar case from a drawer in the desk hidden by paperwork. "Because if you did you'd be out of here before you could say "Lord Vetinari"." He waved a hand towards his desk.

"Who are they?" The man asked, indicating Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"They asked to see you, sir." Said Cheery.

"A lot of people ask to see me, Cheery. Most of them with a loaded crossbow. Why should they be any different?"

"Please, Mr.?" Hermione asked.

"Vimes." The man replied.

"Please Mr. _Vimes_," Hermione continued, stepping forward. "We wish to ask your help in seeking a murderer."

Vimes frowned. "I don't remember there being any suspicious murders reported."

"Not yet, but there will be." Said Harry, coming to Hermione's defense. "This murderer has killed… _elsewhere_. But anyone here could be next."

Vimes studied Harry's face for some time, as if trying to find a trace of lie. "Fine." He sat on the edge of his desk. "I'm listening."

Harry shifted uneasily. He glanced over his shoulder at Ron and Hermione, hoping to find some advice. "There is… something else that could cause difficulties in the search. Something very hard to explain."

Vimes continued to watch Harry. "Cheery?" He inquired, placing a cigar in his mouth.

"Yes, Mister Vimes?" Said Cheery.

"Go and fetch Captain Carrot and Sergeant Angua." Vimes lit his cigar.

"Yes, sir." Said Cheery before rushing out of the room.

"Why do you need more Watchmen?" Ron asked.

"You said it would be hard to explain the situation." Said Vimes, inhaling the cigar. "Well Captain Carrot is _very good _at understanding explanations." Vimes paused for a few seconds. "Almost too good to be true."

* * *

Bellatrix Lestrange and her sister, Narcissa Malfoy stared at the ex-potions master, Severus Snape. Narcissa's son, Draco stood between the three adults, a slight smirk on his face. Bellatrix's face looked as if she would explode.

"We have not heard from our master since he left, and you say we should ignore this!" Bellatrix screamed at Snape.

"Now, now Bella." Snape said coolly, trying to calm Bellatrix down. "I'm sure nothing has happened to our master."

"HE SAID HE WOULD KEEP IN TOUCH!" Bellatrix screeched. "It has been days and not one message! How can you just ignore this?"

Snape's face twitched as he thought this over. "Very well," He said finally. "I shall travel to the Discworld to make sure nothing has happened."

"I'm coming too." Draco said suddenly.

"No, I must go alone." Said Snape.

"But I'm hiding from the Ministry too. I'm a death eater aren't I? Surely I have the right to serve the Dark Lord as much as you do." Said Malfoy, glaring at Snape. "And besides, if Potter can travel to another dimension, so can I!"

The three adults exchanged glances. "Fine, you may come." Said Snape.

Ridcully stared at the Bursar, who was now clucking like a chicken.

"Where are his pills?" Ridcully demanded.

There was a faint "_pop_" and two wizards suddenly appeared.

"We have been sent here by Albus Dumbledore-"Snape started before being cut off by Ridcully.

"You could be sent by bloody Morporkia for all I care! Now you go back and tell this "Dumbledore" that we are not an Inn where you can just drop by any time you like!"

Snape glared at Ridcully for a few minutes before saying, "Come Draco."

Draco tore his gaze away from the Bursar, who started flapping his arms and was currently pecking at the floor, and followed Snape into Ankh-Morpork.

* * *

Vimes, Angua and Carrot listened intently to Harry, Hermione and Ron explain where they were from and who Voldemort was etc. The most confusing part was when they got to the part of Voldemort being turned into a frog.

"So basically," Said Vimes. "We're looking for a murderer, who is a wizard, who has been turned into a frog. And this frog looks like every other frog with the description of green and slimy, except it's really a wizard who is a vicious, cold blooded murderer, and the only way we can find him is if we collect every frog in the city for you to use a spell on to turn him back human."

The three of them nodded. Vimes sighed.

"You're not helping with this." He said.

"What should we do now, Mister Vimes?" Angua asked.

"Well, right now the key thing is not to let Vetinari know about this." Said Vimes, butting his cigar.

"Stop me from knowing _what_, Commander?" Said a voice by the door.

Everyone spun around to see Lord Vetinari entering the office.

A/N: Thanks again to all my reviewers, you guys are what keep my writing!"


	6. Fred and Nobby's Hunt

Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah.

A/N: This is just a short chapter because I am still getting over writers block. I thought I had better send this in anyway because by the sound of my reviews some of you are getting a bit anxious.

Lord Vetinari stared down at his desk. Somewhere in front of him a young female voice was explaining the concept of the Roundworld, or as they had called it, Earth. Just by living in Ankh-Morpork you see a lot of things most people would consider out of the ordinary. However, he was the _Patrician _of Ankh-Morpork, therefore it was his job to make sure that things stayed out of the ordinary and that the _extraordinary _things stayed out of the ordinary staying out of the ordinary. This caused quite a headache.

Vetinari had stopped listening to the voice minutes ago, however the owned of the voice still kept talking at an enthusiastic speed. In the end, he had to put a stop to it.

Vetinari raised his hand. "Please, miss?"

"Hermione Granger." The young lady answered.

"Miss Granger, I think I have heard quite enough of this… what was it you called it?"

"The Ministry of Magic, sir."

"This Ministry." Vetinari turned to Vimes. "What are you planning to do about this commander?"

"Sir, I assure you everything is under control, I have placed my two best Watchmen on this case, sir." Vimes said pulling his silver cigar case out of his pocket, avoiding Vetinari' s gaze.

* * *

"Yuk! I've gotten mud on my boots!"

"Shut up, Nobby. We haven't even gotten onto the water yet."

"And look at my dress, the hem is all muddy!"

"Well you shouldn't have worn a dress!"

Corporal Nobbs sulked and crossed his arms. "It's a good dress too, not one of those fake dresses you see all those scarlet women running about in."

Colon looked at the dress. It was blue with lace edging. As far as Colon went with fashion sense, those were the only details. But Colon couldn't give a rat's arse whether it was fake or not. "Where _did _you get it from, Nobby? You know Captain Carrot won't be happy if you've nicked it."

Nobby leered at Colon. "I did not nick it, Fred." He said sternly.

Colon chuckled. "That's a first. And it's sergeant to you Nobby." He added.

"Not while we're doin' _undercover _duty." Said Nobby. "And I'll have you know, I pinched this dress out of a dumpster. Lady Selachii's dumpster."

"You pinch clothes out of some rich nobs' dumpster?"

"_Everyone does it_!" Nobby snapped reproachfully.

They waddled out into the Ankh until the mud went up to their knees. Well, Colon's knees, Nobby's waist.

Occasionally Nobby would mutter things like "Imperial cotton, that is." Or "It'll be impossible to get the mud out of my boots." And "He _never _understands my needs."

Colon cleared his throat. "Er… Nobby?"

"Yes Fred?"

"Er… why _are _you wearing a dress?"

"Cause' Vimsey said we had to come out of uniform an' this was the only dress I has clean. Besides," Nobby tried to twirl but this was difficult being waist deep in mud. "I think it looks rather fetching." Nobby saw the expression on Colon's face. "What? Does it make me look fat?" He asked in a panicky voice.

Colon shook his head enthusiastically. "Oh, no, no you look fine."

They wallowed in the mud for a few more minutes. "Fred?"

"Yes Nobby?"

"What is it we gotta do?"

Colon paused to think. "Let's see, all Mister Vimes said was every frog you find in the Ankh I want you to bring back to the Watch house."

"Seems easy enough."

Colon shook his head. "No Nobby, you're missin' the key to this mission."

"I am."

"Yes Nobby, you are because there _aren't _any frogs in the Ankh. It's impossible for them to live here."

"Oh." Said Nobby. "Want to get a beer then?"

"Now Nobby, _I'm _the sergeant so _I _decide when it's time to get a beer." Colon paused for a few seconds. "Okay, it's time."

A/N: I just love writing about Fred and Nobby, it's so much easier than writing it from Harry's point of view. Please send more of your ideas. Thanks for the other ones by the way, they've given me great ideas for upcoming chapters!


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